so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
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About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
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I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You ate ashes out of my bong
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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