I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
