I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
