I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
