Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
