so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Drunk is not a location!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
