I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
