I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize