I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
