I just pynch a tree in the face
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
