her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
