We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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