Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
