to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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