woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
