I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
