The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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