So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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