I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
