So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Randomize
