A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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