So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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