Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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