can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
