just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My bed smells like the plague
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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