Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
how does that bad decision feel?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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