I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
