Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
