Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
