So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
