it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
