Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
