this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I am midnight drunk by noon
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
