Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
