you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
