Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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