God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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