I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the condom got lost in my hair
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
