I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
