you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
