Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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