Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
