I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
