I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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