I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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