I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
