So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
