First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
