shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
