Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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