On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize