Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
