how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
