420 ftw
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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