Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
