1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
