after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
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I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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